No stars, too many bucks

Zia Eger-Slobig '25

Website Designer

One day earlier than last year’s launch, on November 3rd, the new Starbucks “Holiday” drinks, along with a selection of past ones, were released. It is honestly terrifying how many of the holiday drinks flooded my Spanish classroom that fine morning, however, to each their own. The limited amount of time to purchase them definitely adds to the sales on their seasonal drinks. Honestly, it even makes me, a not so holly nor jolly person, feel the need to try these new and exciting, as well as fleeting, sweet treats.

With this new introduction, I feel the need to say a sorrowful goodbye to my beloved Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, to which over these past months I have grown intensely attached to. As a black coffee drinker, my switch to the PCCB was dramatic, however likely needed due to my fear of change. Now, since my precious baby is gone, I need a new fixation.

Based on its name alone, I find myself attracted to the Peppermint Mocha as a mint mongrel. I love a good herbal moment, especially in terms of mint, however peppermint reminds me of those Sleepytime teas. Even though it is not explicitly on the holiday menu, I do believe that the Gingerbread Latte is back. As a newbie to the holiday drink scene, I personally am not familiar with this “delicacy,” but intrigued by the possible flavor palette involved as someone who does not often consume gingerbread.

I would like to preface this: I highly recommend getting these drinks with less pumps of syurp to still have a sweet treat but not be overwhelmed.

I have never consumed something so disgusting and indigestible before this tasting session. I purchased every single drink on the menu, with a mix of iced and hot drinks. I personally found most of the drinks unappealing and a rip off. The white chocolate mocha tastes like steamed milk with a pinch of sugar; perhaps a good nighttime soothing drink for my grandmother but most definitely not a latte. However the latte I found most intriguing, the chestnut and praline latte, was surprisingly good but also rather uneventful.

The iced sugar cookie almond milk latte is where the biggest problems begin because it was the most foul thing I have ever willingly consumed. It tasted like the overwhelming stench of a TJ Maxx candle during the holiday season, burdened by an artificial vanilla scent. I still have flashbacks of the flavor profile every now and then.

The iced gingerbread oat milk chai was also nasty and tasted like a bite of a gingerbread or spiced yankee candle. It was pure syrup and, frankly, had enough sugar to send me into cardiac arrest. I was most shocked by this drink due to my high expectations that stemmed from the raving reviews from the internet and even at our school. I highly advise everyone who drinks a venti of that “chai latte” to monitor their heart rate.

An illustration of a holiday-esque coffee mug by the author

The caramel brûlée latte was what I imagine to be a melted caramel frappe (a caramel macchiato on steroids). This was also overwhelmingly sweet but definitely more consumable than the last two.

My favorite and also the only drink I would ever order again was the peppermint mocha. I mean, you can’t go wrong with a good mocha, or at least that’s what I think. Even this drink was not ideal and had a little too much syrup and artificial flavoring for my taste, however this will be my replacement drink for my beloved pumpkin cream cold brew.

Since I had now spent more than three hours worth of minimum wage pay, I thought why not mix them all together. I mean, there was no way it was going to be worse than the iced sugar cookie almond milk latte. This franken-starbucks drink was actually pretty good, and it was definitely better than the sugar cookie latte and the chai.

Overall I found this taste test disappointing and frankly at times disgusting, nonetheless I will continue to search for a new, better likely non-Starbucks holiday drink or just one with less pumps.