Conspiracies: are they really theories?

Georgia Kreischer '22

Editor-in-Chief of Design

The concept of a conspiracy is easier to wrap your head around than the actual theories themselves. Creating a theory is easy, but getting everyone to believe it is difficult. From the Egyptian pyramids being built by aliens to the age-old question, “Is God real?”. Theories help us form a better and more complex understanding of the universe.

The theories presented below are not as life-altering as most, but the faculty, staff and student body at Louisville shared their thoughts and feelings on these few subjects. First, I’ll give a recap of how each question scored, then reveal some of the best comments/opinions that came with it.

To the theory that “All government officials are lizards”:

34% voted YES

66% voted NO

The best response to this question goes to senior Mia Segvich ‘22 who wrote:

“Not only are government officials lizards, but they are MY pet lizard from fourth grade named Mango.”

To the theory that “Chuck-E-Cheese re-serves unused pizza”:

75.9% voted YES

24.1% voted NO

The cutest, and likely most accurate, response to this question goes to senior Amy Correas ‘22, who claims that the only one capable of eating this pizza is Chuck-E himself.

To the theory that “Campus Ministry is a portal to another dimension and Mrs. Hicks is the gatekeeper”:

66.9% voted YES

33.1% voted NO

There were quite a few amazing responses to this question. The top two come from inside source Campus Minister Cassidy Serino ‘22 and Media Teacher Ms. Cue:

“As ASB Campus Minister I cannot confirm nor deny (sent from Cassidy's iPhone in dimension 347)” -Cassidy Serino ‘22

“Or maybe she's the Key Master? *insert Ghostbuster's theme here*” - Ms. Cue

To the theory that “Lindsay Lohan had a twin in the parent trap that actually died in a fatal car accident”:

59.5% voted YES

40.5% voted NO

The reality of my age hit me when a freshman responded to the survey not knowing who Lindsay Lohan was. This testament is so concerning.

To the theory that “Mr. Telesca is immortal”:

91.2% voted YES

8.8% voted NO

This conspiracy was confirmed to be accurate. Scoring a YES vote from the star himself, Mr. Telesca.

To the theory that “Nicki Minaj just lip syncs to sped up Jay-Z”:

39.2% voted YES

60.8% voted NO

This conspiracy won the most controversy, weeding out the “Barbs” (fans of Minaj) from the depths of Louisville High School. These Barbs include the following Louisville Ladies mentioned below:

“THE QUEEN OF RAP DOES NOT LIP SYNC!!!!! nicki >>>> jay-z (evidence: nicki bodying her monster verse outshining jay-z and kanye in their own song!!)” said Dzian Tran ‘23.

“Nicki minaj is the queen of rap,” said Mona Elzein ‘23.

“I don’t tolerate Nicki slander,” said Thuyan Tran ‘25.

The award for “Most Dedicated Conspiracy Theorist” goes to Lily Rigney ’25:

“If so, my bangs are an impenetrable substance. The scanner won't scan hair.”

Dear Lily, this journalist would like you to please test this theory and report back immediately. Patiently awaiting your discoveries.

If after reading this, you feel unsure about the truth behind these conspiracy theories, set your nerves at ease. Junior Joy Langley ‘23 confirms that each one of these theories are true:

“All of these conspiracy theories are sooo trueee, I've seen them with my own eyes!"